Day 2- How Can It Be Possible I Envy My Dead Brother

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Is it that I tend to dig deep or would these things creep up on the average person too? Are we all average? What makes anyone exceptional? Can it be we are all exceptional by simply trying to be a better version of ourselves?

I said I’d share this week with you and I will. Continuing to be authentic, vulnerable and open. Hopefully open enough with myself that I learn, heal and grow more into my Self, my greatest version of me.

I consider myself to be very in touch with who I am. Yet, along this journey I find that ‘who I am’ also changes more often than not. If we are growing, we are changing.

Some say people can’t change. I disagree. That being said… I wouldn’t change who I am, yet I do know that who I am is like a puzzle. The more I figure out.. the freer I become. The more I know, the more I let go and simply BE.

Before I ramble on I’ll get to it — find the first in this blog series here for more info.

As I mentioned my core relationships are few so I’m dragging my brother into this. He wouldn’t mind. It’s stuff we would often talk about. Today he’s the one that makes me jealous. Still! Alan and I were like two peas in a pod. He was my best friend, my defender my confidant and the best big brother anyone could ever have.

I love you Alan! Us, back in the day. ❤️

Our mother passed away when he was 4 & I was not quite 2. Made us inseparable really. The two of us against the world. As I write this, stuff comes up. Big stuff. It’s not as if I walk around with it every day. I don’t. Or do I? The unconscious mind often dictates who we are and how we behave. Maybe that’s the point of these Spiritual exercises. Awareness.

Maybe it’s all rubbish and I should play more or distract myself with the world. Numb out. I don’t know what’s right and I’m guessing I’m not alone. If you’re reading this you must care about your own personal growth and have probably been through your own shit. We all have. I shine a light on it. Hoping it guides us all to where we need to be. That’s a different place for each of us.

Ok, getting right to it. How am I jealous of my dead brother… He was just so damn good! So happy. Always a smile. My parents –stepmom & Dad– certainly favored him. They’d say I was being dramatic by saying that. Alan and I actually talked about it. He hated it. He knew it was hard for me. It’s so obvious even in his death, I hardly see them. I’m sure they’d see him. Am I hanging onto that? Maybe. I’m not sure. Does it show up in my other relationships? Does it keep me feeling less-than to people who say they love me but don’t show it? Does it make me act the way I do? Constantly feeling I need to prove myself and will never be good enough? Never as good as Alan?

Phew! That’s a lot.

As I breathe… here’s how I look objectively. I’m blessed to have had a relationship like I did with my brother. It’s quite possible my parents were jealous of us both. We loved. Big time! We love life, people, nature, laughter, living… Now that’s all stopped for him. I can’t let it stop for me, not while I’m still here. My parents have few friends, they choose not to see their grandkids. I can’t understand them at all. Can I let that go? Can I stop seeing, unconsciously, every man in my life as the person I need to prove myself to? The way I’ll never prove myself to my father. Can I let go and be happy with me?

Wow! That’s a big awareness.

I’m literally typing this out as my thoughts come. Raw. Real and unfiltered. It’s how I’ll post it too. I hope it helps us both. It’s not like this awareness is completely new to me but it’s not been looked at like this. Through this lens of Yoga, of Aparigraha. Of the Eight Limbs as written by Patanjali.

ward journey. It's not for the faint of heart, yet it shines the brightest light.

I’m loving this exercise and grateful I’m embracing it wholeheartedly. Thanks Davidji!vidji had said, “spend 5 minutes on this exercise daily.” Ha!

He also reminded the whole class to pursue these teachings in the way that’s most natural for us. Why? Because he’s an AMAZING guide. He knows that the Spiritual journey is individual. Like any great teacher, he points the way but allows you to see whatever is there. I knew this exercise would be huge for me.

Not because I’m a jealous person in conventional terms, however I do attach, I cling… I struggle to allow myself to be free. That has to change. It’s too painful to keep up. To keep grasping means to keep fearing and I’m sick & tired of fear.

Lord, there are 4 more categories! Let’s speed through the rest shall we?…

What am I coveting in friends today? Ugh! Without going deep, what just popped in was… The friends in relationships. Can we go deeper with this tomorrow? I’m already in need of a good cry.


What am I attached to in colleagues? Today I’ll let that be my fellow Spiritual teachers, even Davidji himself. I envy that they’re doing it! They’re out there. In the world. Changing people’s lives! Makes me pea-green… if I actually turned so lol. It does frustrate me that I …. procrastinate. I do. I feck off more than focus. I’m tired. I’ve got a lot already going on. Blah, blah, excuse blah. Well shite… let’s see where that admission gets me.

What do I cling to in the grievance-department?

I’m jealous that several people that would be on my grievance list, ex-lover, ex-business-partner, my Dad… they seem so closed up when I am always so open & vulnerable. I’m jealous that they seem to be the ‘cool’ ones and I somehow the ‘crazy’ one. It’s how they’ve tried to make me feel. I’m jealous of their aloofness. I’m the one that wants to peel away the wounds and get to the root of things. I want to be deep and love and loving and transparent. They keep silent, closed, removed and somehow safe from hurt maybe. That makes me jealous!

Can I let that go? Can I see it differently? Can I stop letting them have an effect on me?

Lastly, something I covet in myself.

My vulnerability.

It takes a lot to share.

I’m not for everyone.

I am for the right people.

I am for me.

ji & mySelf at his retreat in Maya Tulum.

©️2017 ArtemisOnFire

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