Rantings of a heartbroken mind

Oh wow this is raw real and vulnerable. I’m not even sure I’ll leave it posted. I actually texted this to a friend and my writer-self thought. Damn. There it is, get it out. Where the wound is the healing begins. Ever wonder why it’s difficult and yet so very easy to get close to someone who’s lived a rough life? We get it. We love big. We’ve seen the ugliness of the world and we love big. I won’t stop that. Yet, now I’ve got some extra tools in my belt to believe love is real when it shows up. It’s like I’m being punished for going to a foreign language class and not already knowing the language. I learn. I am patient. Be patient with me too.

Want to uncover your true Self and real magick? Don’t be afraid to feel it all and let it heal. Nothing that gets swept under the rug keeps you safe. Sit with it. Feel it. Heal it. You got this! I know I’m not the only one. It’s called being human.

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Ya know… that’s the thing. I’ve not been soothed or comforted by someone since my grandmother passed away when I was 17. No one taking care of me when I’m sick or just being there allowing me to process and tuck me in or make me soup or listen to me cry. I’ve been climbing this damn, fucking life-mountain uphill my whole damn life. I’ve held my brothers hand while he transitioned from this world to the next. I’ve raised my kids on my own for over 16 yrs. I’ve built an empire of a business only to have people come and go etc. 

on my own!

Truth is, it’s all taught me to love more. 

It’s all taught me to appreciate each moment. 

Truth is,  I’m tired. 

In his arms I rested. 

In his love I felt safe. 

In his embrace I really did surrender. 

I see now how much I did trust. I do trust. 

I found hOMe. 

Not just another love affair. 

For a fleeting moment I felt I’d never be alone again. 

He said “You’ll never be alone again” 

Yet, here I am. 

On my own. 

Again. 

Looking up to the summit of my last breath. 

Wondering what’s next on my journey of solitude. 

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