At the moment, the love of my life feels lost to me. The connection is severed and it’s most painful. I’m sure for him as much as me. That’s love… it’s not all about me. I can grow from my wounds regardless, yet I hate to know my love is wounded.
That’s hugely raw, real and vulnerable.
I write my blog posts on the premise of me being raw, real and vulnerable. I do it to continue growing along my Spiritual journey of life and to shine a light on life for others that may need encouragement, a sense they’re not alone and inspiration to know we can all get through this crazy thing called life. Let’s face it… there are only so many life stressors and most of them revolve around relationships. I’d venture to say life is all about relationship, as in how we relate to ourselves, our environment, our lovers, friends, children, neighbors and even those we don’t know. When you find a relationship that’s worth fighting for… do it!
Today I am focusing on me, my kids, my work and my spiritual growth. The truth is I am in deep emotional pain. The kind of heartsick, stomach lurching/sinking, can’t eat, can’t sleep overwhelm that only heartache knows the depth of.
That crappy saying of ‘this too shall pass’ equally pisses me off and gives me hope that one day soon I won’t feel this despair.
As a survivor of abuse, repeated psychological, emotional and verbal abuse, I’m fully aware of where this autonomic response comes from.
It’s an ongoing process to heal. I relived it during my business breakup when lies & betrayal played a major role. Honestly that was harder than the loss of my mother, grandmother, highschool sweetheart and most traumatic my brother.
How you might ask? Because with all the loss, there was also love. Yes, deep grief and often the deeper the love the stronger the grief. Yet it revolved around love and the transition of life. I still live with that as part of who I am… fears surrounding loss of love.
It’s a delicate dance and my awareness, self-care and spiritual practices have turned those losses into beauty.
I love deeply and appreciate life extremely. Why we humans choose to tear down those that achieve, I’ll never know. If we’re successful, lose weight, fall in love, overcome obstacles etc… those that are hurting and in darkness often respond by trying to tear you down. To take from you in hopes that somehow they’ll feel better about themselves.
The experience of lies & betrayal, which I’m in again, through a “friend” that’s obviously in a deep wounded place herself and has chosen to project that on me, my life, my recent happiness in love … is stirring up the strong physical responses again. My BP is running 198/95-ish frequently in the last few weeks and then I seem to manage it with practice and letting go.
My anxiety is overwhelming and my meditation practice seems but a bandaid on a severed carotid.
I’m sharing most vulnerably and authentically for those of you that I know have benefited many times from me sharing my stories of abuse. If we don’t talk about it… we think we are the only ones. I’m struggling with the actions & choices this “friend” has chosen. It’s causing destruction in my love and I hope that recovers. I know what’s for me will not pass by me however in this moment it’s deeply painful. I’m choosing to hold space for this beautiful human I’ve fallen deeply in love with, even in the face of a complete severing of contact.
I see how I contributed to what happened. I got out of my heart and into my head. I allowed someone else’s fears to become my own. I let my lover down in ways and we’ve both let our relationship down by buying into falsehood. It happens. I believe anything fractured can be repaired and if I have the opportunity I will show up for this love. Fully, vulnerably and completely. My only hope is that he will too.
Why is it human nature to tear each other down? All I ever want to do is build others up yet, I’m authentic enough to say… when I’ve bought into lies, I know I’ve caused hurt as well.
My point in this post might be a few things…
1) love yourself enough to walk away from overwhelming stress. If that’s what he needs now, I honor it. If it becomes what I need later, I’ll honor that. That’s huge and challenging yet essential to Self.
2) love others enough to help them through theirs. This is why I’m holding space. In a world so ready to walk away, dispose of things and move on… I believe in building each other and working on what’s most cherished.
3) celebrate those that are thriving because they’re often doing it at great cost.
4) let go completely of people who cause drama in your life.
5) healing takes time… there’s no timetable and old wounds rip open frequently so be gentle with yourself and those you love.
6) learn as much as you can about stress responses, unconscious patterns, meditation and other healing modalities
7) never give up on love and hold space for who you love when they’re suffering, even if it’s torturously from afar
8 ) trust that love always wins in the end. Never give up on love.
9) don’t expect others to rescue you.
10) I send you much love today. My well is bone-dry, yet I still send you love… knowing it will return 10 fold to me.
I love you. I love me. We are all headed for the long exhale and big letting go so let’s just live & love as much as possible.
11) kindness matters so don’t be an asshole.
I’m truly hoping this is mostky Mercury retrograde and the Eclipse. Lord knows communication has been horrible for most of us during the last month as this energy builds.
Hang in there!
Thank you for reading.