As I’m wrestling with relationship turmoil… aka confusion and heart-sickness, I received this Elephant Journal blog in my Email https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/06/are-your-insecurities-screwing-up-your-relationship/
In life and love we all have insecurities. It’s part of being human.
I have taken a big chance on love and something I was so sure of on Thursday has left me feeling sick by Saturday. It’s like in the presence of the love I feel for this amazing man… I get stupid. Love struck dumb.
Actually that’s selling myself short A LOT. What I’ve been with him is 100% authentic. He seems like the man to not only handle all of me but to deserve all of me… so I gave all of me. Maybe that didn’t come across and time will tell. Maybe it completely came across and he’s not ready. These are questions we can beat ourselves up with. They’re also the kind of thoughts that are healthy for introspective people who want to grow.
What I know for sure… a love of my life walked in, it’s made me feel like the goddess I am, it made my heart open to love in ways it hasn’t in years and regardless of the outcome … I’m grateful for that and him.
Who he is… another beautiful human navigating the journey of Self, life, love and challenge. I see greatness in him, as he sees in me.
What I feel today, in this moment… heartsick and sad as I watch potential shift and change into … I don’t know what.
How I know I’m evolving in love…
if he has decided I’m not the one, I send him love regardless because that’s real love.
I’ve made healthy choices when in crisis, instead of the wine it’s water, instead of emotional eating I’m fasting (ok the fast started Friday and when I got weird news about him being active on another dating site Saturday am… I still couldn’t eat. So a 1 day fast is now on day 3)
- Instead of binge watching… I went to the Farmers market like I’d planned just before my friend texted and derailed my day. I still went and bought myself flowers.
- Instead of sleeping… today I went on a hike.
- Instead of crying (maybe I should but when my hearts in emotional limbo I can’t call it quits just yet so I’m holding hope) … I’m writing.
- Instead of bitching to my girlfriends about men… I have deep compassion for this beautiful man. It’s life. Life is messy. People have to find their own way. We may not be that way or what they need.
- Instead of losing my shit… I’ve cleaned, organized, rearranged and checked off a ton on my to-do-list. After all, I have a life. I wish he was in it, yet I’m not putting mine on hold.
Ok… total transparency… I am so heartsick I can’t stand it. The thing is, we women will do this if a man suddenly stops returning our calls or texts. We do go a bit crazy. We really want to understand. I hear from a lot of guys that they deal with the straight up crazy chicks that rant and rave. Yet when it’s a woman, a woman you respect and care about… talk. Call her. Explain how you’re feeling. Take a chance on vulnerability and trust, especially if you claim trust is important to you. You might just find you have a healthy conversation with a person who cares.
I did ask a dear friend “How could I be so wrong about someone.” her response was priceless…
“Risking your Heart to love is never wrong 💜 it’s the exquisite risk”
The foundation that keeps me stable now is my groundedness in Self-love. I am an amazing, beautiful person capable of great and fantastical love. It’s here and willing to be given to the champion of my heart. Many men aren’t ready to be that champion and that is their story, journey and path.
I have a quote that hangs in my office that brings me peace during tough times. It applies today…
“People will love you and people will hate you. None of it has anything to do with you”
We are all looking through the lens of our own story. My wish for him is that he sees his greatness and capability for true love. My wish for myself… the same. ❤️
Never give up on love. The world needs it now more than ever.