Pardon my absence, I was falling in love.
Here is my truth on how to finally let true-love into your life.
I hope you know the feeling of true love. I thought I did, maybe more wished I did, but when it arrived into my life it made me speechless, overwhelmed, dismayed, shocked, stunned and utterly unable to describe. If you’re in that soul-mate bond love then you get it… everyone else hang on and wait for the dream…
Wait for the delicious whirlwind that happens when it’s truly it, when she/he’s really the one…
The absolute dumbfounding delirium.
The true awakening to what love is.
In a world of broken hearts and lost love… How do we know when it’s real? When it’s the love of the ages?
After all, most of us would agree, that love is as undefinable as God.
How are we to know it’s real? We hear about love from countless sources throughout our entire life, yet all of those sources are seeing through their own lens. They are describing the indescribable with mere words… and words, as much as I worship them, fall far short from the altar of love.
Add in the fact that love is different for each of us and here we have as many inner and outer wars about love as the world has actual wars about God.
We are human, frail and fantastic.
The poets of the the ages have given us glimpses of both love and God yet still we can’t comprehend either. We think we know and yet when it really happens, only then do we realize we were clueless prior to this life-altering, spirit-filling, unfathomable magic.
Truth is on some level we do know what love is… on that same level that knows we are more than simply this flesh and bone body. The cellular level that knows we are infinite. That we are spiritual beings having a human experience.
This alone, now, makes even more sense to me why a personal spiritual journey to discover who we really are, to know yourself so deeply, to love yourself unconditionally, is of the utmost importance.
For it is here, along the path of deep self-discovery that all of the clues to love and God are laid out.
Like a 5000 piece puzzle with no directions, we can not see the big picture of love until we..
- turn over enough clues in the puzzle of our own life
- discover enough of our own personal truths
- find passions we have for life that fit together
- release things that don’t fit into our lives — seriously, you have to cut cords to past false-love, to things that were illusion. You have to let go
- create space for love to come in — literally, space in your heart is as important as space in your closet. Love can’t fit unless you make room
- start to imagine what the big picture of love will look like
- fantasize how it will feel
- dream about the taste, touch, color and smell of it — yes, give over all your senses to love
- know who you are and what you want — not sure? A steady meditation practice will get you there
- get clear and specific with our intentions
- and ultimately let go of how it will show up
If we can follow these steps on our personal path then love has room to grow, to thrive and to flourish.
It takes two people committed to their own personal journey to make the journey of two a success.
In all my years of being hurt, rejected, dejected, abused, abandoned and lost about love… I have never given up on the dream. Never given up on the beauty of love and the fantastical imaginings, thoughts, feelings and longings it created for me. I’ve prayed to the moon, journaled my desires, created vision-boards of my dreams. I’ve read about love, talked about love. I’ve danced, sung and celebrated love. I’ve been in different versions of love. Most of all I’ve clung to things that looked like love when they were merely lessons. I’ve felt heartbroken, sick, hopeless, helpless and angry about love and still never given up the dream.
I’ve stood before false hope and said I love you.
I’ve stayed too long in relationships that didn’t work.
What drives that motivation when you know in your heart it’s not true? In your heart, or at least within your fear-filled mind, you know… you know when you don’t actually love someone… you love a fantasy you’ve created in your head about love.
A fear that love isn’t real, or a desperation to have it, can override your fantasy and force you to try and create it.
The fear that love will never arrive at your doorstep, that it will never happen, can become so strong that we settle, force and make-believe when in truth… love is in none of these feelings of lack. You try, you force, you believe, you wait, you accept things less than love and you suffer from it.
It’s so easy to look back on circumstance with some friends, lovers and all of the others and realize how it wasn’t about them at all… it was about your own personal growth.
*IMPORTANT SIDE-NOTE…. if you ever have to ask someone if your relationship is just sex… STOP and seriously reevaluate. If you have to ask this then you know that sex with them is not loving, it’s not nourishing and it’s not intimate for you. Good old sex for sex sake can be awesome but when it should be about love for you and it’s not… make a change fast. In truth if it feels like that to you then it’s really not even good sex.
Even after listening to a person tell you that they don’t believe in love, letting months go by with no contact, not returning calls, being self-absorbed, having excuse after excuse why they aren’t with you… as this crazy, fragile human we have the capability, or weakness, to think it’s love anyway. Believe me, no matter what a persons circumstance, if they truly want to be with you… they will find a way.
In many ways this twisted version of lack is a form of love if it shines a light on your Self-love. Maybe loving false-hope and twisted dreams is exactly the playground for you to waltz through so you can see… it’s not love.
Literally just weeks ago this is when I had my A-ha moment!
When I stood before false-love and tried to make it real… It hurt, it made me want to cry. I felt sick inside. I felt choked on my own words of false-love. They were intended well, yet I walked away confused, sad, heartbroken, angry… and much wiser about what I wanted.
I knew in that moment what I had not fully realized before.
If a person hasn’t really done the work to discover who they are and they look at the world through an outer lens… they actually aren’t focused on self-love and can in no way actually know what love is. You can’t teach love, you can’t love someone into loving themselves and it’s super sad to say but there are millions, if not billions, of souls walking around that don’t know what love is and have never tried to find out by finding themselves. If a person doesn’t know what love is… why would we think loving them will work?
Self-love is the ingredient that makes the magic happen.
Within days of truly ‘seeing’ I wrote an outpouring of love, heart-centered statement in a comment on a post one of my spiritual teachers had made about setting intentions and getting what you really, really want out of life.
The ingredient I added to the myriad of qualities I wanted love to show up like was this…
I’m ready for a man who loves himself so completely, so deeply that it overflows from his being. I’m ready for a man who puts love on a pedestal above all else. I’m ready for a man who knows that position, possession, jobs, things etc are all just roles we play… but love, love is all that has meaning. I’m ready for a man who sees the goddess in me and knows that I will see the god in him and together we will create a love of the ages that outshines all else. I am ready to see this man in this way and to see myself this way… I am ready to show myself and him the love we both deserve.
Yes, it was a fantastical statement … but I believed.
…. And just like that, he showed up. 🙂
Now I have embarked on an intoxicating, magical journey of absolute foreign territory. It’s so completely different than anything I’ve felt before. As foreign as this is, at the same time it feels like home. A home I’ve never known. A place I feel safe, content, excited, joy-filled, willing, enchanted, strong and simultaneously weak, and overwhelmed in the best way.
I will always take my head with me… that is self-love, to remain in situations that are good and that help me grow and to leave things that harm and don’t serve me well… now I am fully following my heart and seeing where it leads.
I am in a place of surrender. My being is burning to ash in the fire of transformation and I know it’s also becoming rebuilt in a love that makes me want to kneel to the magic of the universe, to allow myself to be swept away in ecstasy… and I know my mere words still can not express the depth of my discovery.
Like my poem, my favorite poem for years… THE poem that struck my heart, the poem I’ve read endless times, the poem that closest comes to describing what love is to me… I am in the house of mercy and my heart is a place of prayer.