Welcome to my dance with Doubt.
Many events lead up to a feeling, a mood, an emotion, a crisis or understanding.
I feel like my current state has been pushed along by my lack of travel, my need to get out of my fantasies and into reality, changes within my business, people moving away, others not moving close enough, things I’m yet unaware of and even the Spiritual weekend I spent with a beloved teacher that has left an awful taste in my being.
We could go deeper saying it’s from my divorce— not the divorce actually but the whole damn marriage— that London fling, that California fling, that unmentionable thing, the years spent not going out, not taking care of myself, giving everything to others and the years it will take to exorcise my demons.
I have a feeling my demons aren’t going anywhere.
That’s ok too. The human condition is complex and we carry infinity within… including an infinite number of emotions. All of them a beautiful recipe making up our unique flavor.
I taste of sadness, grief, love and madness.
My plate is full and I’ve choked down flavors I could barely swallow.
Yet, here I am. Alive and sometimes living.
I have done so much Spiritual work, so much self-development work and I have come to the conclusion that it’s absolute BS to make people feel inadequate by their frailties.
Even when I hear… “I don’t need anyone with baggage” said from my girlfriends who are looking for the perfect guy. In my mind, if you don’t have baggage then what could you have possibly learned about life?
Baggage carriers and drama-filled-messes are two different types of people. All on the journey of life doing the best they can with what they currently know. Too few of us are willing to dive deep, excavate and explore our inner workings.
Show me your baggage, I want to see how far you’ve traveled the lands of human suffering. Let’s share our passport stamps and laugh about the absurd and the beautiful landscapes we’ve traversed.
Why do people feel the need to fix broken? To shy away from darkness?
These complexities are within me. Are they not as beautiful as my desire to help others? My desire to love and be light? To live fully? Joyfully?
Does madness need to make a point?
Does sorrow deserve to be ignored?
What if we let the madness ramble?
Encourage the sorrow to dance?
The world seems mad to me right now and I am struggling to navigate it. Yes, my purpose in life is to encourage others. I’m not going to do it with shiny-happy, sugar-coated BS.
We are real.
We are human.
Humanity gets ugly. My humanness gets complicated and dark.
After years of swallowing it down, covering it up and plowing ahead with a plastered on survival-smile… I know the only way forward, the only way out … is in.
It’s in the dancing with the darkness. It’s with the uncovering of fears.
It’s sitting down to tea with my demons and having a good cry with my inadequacies.
Hello Self-doubt. One lump or two? Milk? Pass a biscuit please and tell me about yourself, I’d like to learn how to live with you.