I found this note from my ex tonight. He wrote it 7 years ago and it was too little, too late.
It’s no secret that I lived within an extremely toxic marriage for almost 15 years. Actually I wasn’t living within it… I was dying there.
Almost 7 years divorced and I have wondered off and on, when, or if, I ever loved him. The answer seems to be no.
That says a lot about who I was when I chose to enter into something that was a mass of confusion, stress, passion, heartbreak, destruction and dysfunction.
The answer is no simply because I know now that then… I had no idea what love was. No example of healthy love in my life and no one that cared enough to say… what the hell are you doing?
Except my dad… and in his usual form he tells me this the night before my wedding. We’re all in Miami at a nice hotel, it’s 1995 and I’ve been a grunge-reggae-concert-free-Spirit for about 5yrs. Ok, not a free Soul but a free something.
My dad has had decent reason to be checked out of my life, yet it’s no excuse. He’s not been heart-open much. I’m guessing since my mom died in 1970 yet maybe he’s always been closed off & shut down.
That night he showed up though and we ended up in a knock-down-drag-out. I know now I was equally pissed at “how dare you?” and “why have you waited so long to care?”
Me being super stubborn, I told my dad to fuck off… and I got married anyway.
What a dumbass!
I’ve always been a hot mess. It’s mostly in the best way. That way that you look at others and think… holy shit! How do they live like that? Free and fierce and going after whatever they want?
Trust me, that’s accompanied by a healthy dose of fear and ‘what-the-hell am I doing?’ from this end too.
Along your spiritual journey, if and when you get there, you will look back and see some of these moments as your greatest teachers. If you’re in it, the darkness, you often can’t see it but hindsight is something isn’t it?
My point today is…
My dad was too little too late and so was my ex when he wrote this to me.
We were separated and I went to The Chopra Center to find my head and finally not be too-little-too-late for my own life. He gave me this as I was leaving, said read it when you get there.
I found it tonight in a pocket of an old laptop briefcase. I’m not even sure if you can read it and maybe I’ll type it out soon. It reminds me of a few things…
- I was so jaded and pissed when I read this that I unconsciously didn’t write anymore because ‘he’ told me to.
- It shows that somewhere in his darkness he has a heart.
- It makes me pause that someone can see me like that and spend years telling me how worthless I was. ???
- I read it tonight with no attachment and that is healing.
- Another reminder to see myself as the amazing being that he saw even if he didn’t know how to love me.
- Obviously here’s the depth that drew me into his world.
- Don’t wait to believe in yourself and your worth.
- Follow your passions regardless of what the jerks have said.
- You can’t save others from their own destructive choices… or can you? if you love them wholeheartedly I think they’ll see their greatness and choose better.
- Love more. Starting with yourself.
- Don’t settle! Wait for the love you deserve!